New year. New sorrows.

I arrived home at 6:30 in the morning. Suddenly its January 1st, 2016. This is the year i will spend most of in Japan. Also the year i turn the big 20 and my first birthday without my family. I'm growing up and i don't like it a single bit. 

If i have returned to this blog its because i definitely have some sorrows to drown. Tonight is no exception. Today is January 1st, 2016. At the moment i live in Japan, and i'm the loneliest i've ever felt yet. Me and everyone i know i suppose.

Jin is a virgin guy with insecurities. Tobias is afraid to feel because he's too swedish for his own good. Tom is a mad alcoholic because he doesn't know any better. I love them all, their hearts are pure, but these hiccups in their lives are making them unable to see the good stuff. 

Tonight a Chilean girl and i talked about literature and Garcia Marquez and Murakami, and she passed my smart test. Being able to feel the difference between these two author's work. She was smart and said interesting things. Also, she was a really beautiful blonde. (At least that's what i thought in that dark ass bar.) But no flame. No spark. I felt nothing for her. 

Not like the flame i felt with Julia. 

Why am I talking about her still? She has a boyfriend. She obviously doesn't wan't me. I have one- itis, that's for sure. 

I feel so fucking alone. No woman has filled this void, no drug and no book. Nothing has. Mostly i just numb the pain away through willpower only, but today is the beginning of a new year and it just brings up stuff again. 

I thought Julia may be able to fill up this void, but then i thought the same about Mariana back when i loved her. I still repent that. She probably was the one and only and i have casted her away, never to return to her arms. Her ever loving arms. 

Why?

To chase my selfish goals of course. At that time i wanted to be single and free and to not have to worry about family or girl trouble. 

Right now  i kinda miss those troubles. It made me feel that somehow among all that mess, i still cared a little about everything. 

At the moment i listen to The Kooks. I haven't listened to them that much since i was 15 or 16. 

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Right now is the morning after. Getting ready for work. No hangover, no headache, just a mind a little tired and under-slept. I think this is the turning point for me. Last night i was gonna break in tears. 2015's last 4 days were at the same time the best, and the worst.

I learnt that i have good people close to me, that mi friends are indeed good people. But i also learnt that kissing a girl doesn't mean she's likely to return your calls. That a girl whom with you thought you had good chemistry doesn't return almost any messages the days following. 

And that even though there can be girls who fill up my "requirement card" so to speak, (Having read Murakami and having the ability to talk about it with feel) that doesn't mean that's gonna spark a flame in me. 

Which is why it makes the Julia thing hurt so much. I don't feel this way for anyone. All of these emotions unwinding all of a sudden? I am not prepared for that. I am really not. 

I am very neutral emotionally speaking. But finding a girl that moves me like that crashes my system and makes me listen to music i thought i had left behind. Take "The Kooks" as an example. 

Sappy, romantic-ish, british, indie rock-pop kind of thing. 

Then it all spirals from that. 

What i want to get to here is that, now i am laser focused on improving myself. Improving my game and my life in order to be ready for when the next woman that sweeps my feet like Julia comes by. 

She won't know what hit her. 

The girl with bread in her purse.

There was a girl. With a purse. Which had bread in it. I kissed her and it went to shreds. That's it.

The end.

Today i fell in love for a brief second.

Today is December 30th of 2015, 3:15 AM.

And yesterday night i fell in love.

So it's been a while since a woman moved my heart this strongly.  Ukrainian, short, skinny, simple looking. At a first glance you wouldn't think much of her. And so i did not.

And then she started talking. Her Japanese is way better than mine. She liked Murakami and Japanese literature and singing and writing. Truly seemed a beautiful woman. Not wasting a minute, i started applying my newly acquired knowledge to get to know her better. I've never had a conversation this engaging with a woman before. Of that much i am sure.

Everything flowed.

Every word, every syllable, everything. A few awkward silences at the beginning, mainly because i was struggling to find my conversational rhythm. Once i got in sync though? Best conversation i've ever had in my life.  She talked about Kurosawa, and many other Japanese directors, she knew books, she knew Garcia Marquez for god's sake!

You know, i had this bit of a crush on turkish girl called Su i met online on my first month in Japan. Everything went to shit with her and i never contacted her again those days. Then she wrote to me on the 29th and we hung out by the river and sang songs together. We kissed. She was a really good kisser and everything, even made my blood flow in the middle of that wintery cold of the night. (It was fucking cold). We kissed, we sang songs from Muse and Radiohead, you know, she did everything that made me fall in love with Danniela. (Crazy brain and everything) But i felt nothing.

It was a fun night, no denying that. But, where's the substance? Where are the fast heartbeats and whatnot? Well, Su wasn't gonna give me that. It was destined to be Yulia. Because why not?

So we chatted for a while at the long island café, and then it became time to go home. Or so it seemed. She got her coat and i got mine, and down we went on the elevator.

"I'm going home" She said.

"I'm having some coffee, come with me" I said.

A slight hint of doubt crosses her face, but she agrees. My heart springs to life from a 3 month lethargy and finally beats fast and hard. I'm fucking full of joy.

We reach the café independants and get a table, start talking about marriage and children and everything in between. I keep flirting with her and caressing her lips nonchalantly.

"Are you flirting with me?" She says.

"Yes, of course i am!" I answer her.

"Well, i have a boyfriend." She says

Fuck.

I couldn't be that lucky could I? Shit happens. Nothing you can do there. But apparently she likes me enough to go out with me on new year's eve.  I tell her we should be friends, and she agrees. Her eyes say so much more though...

Her pupils are almost completely dilated, her eyes and her cheeks look so fucking beautiful... We converse and chat and chat more.

Time to go home, so it seems.

We leave, i walk her to the train station and we hug and say goodbye. Promising to see each other on the 31st.

I am telling this to my friend Hitomi, because she said we had chemistry. Chemistry? It was fucking Alchemy. I send her the message through my phone and as i do this, i crash against a lamp post.

I laugh. Nothing can beat me, i am invincible because an emotion that i thought all but lost has finally sprouted again from the deep dark well that i call my heart. It's exhilarating, exciting, marvelous.

Yulia, i know you have a boyfriend, and i am not gonna steal you away from him. But you have showed me something i thought i'd never see again. The excitement of meeting an interesting and beautiful girl.

For that fact, i am forever grateful to you.

Thank you life, thank you women, and thank you Kyoto. I still see the weird Murakamian magic working its power through the intricacies of life. I haven't lost that vision still. As i said, the magic black cat of destiny chases me everywhere.

Afterwards i had a beer with Hitomi and her roomate at this irish pub near my house. Told them all about my little flash of love tonight. We talked and talked. I think i might have made a couple of my best friends in Japan now. Good bye loneliness, and welcome life back. Among everything we talked about (love, relationships, people, english) We have promised each other that 2016 will be the year of love.

I hope it becomes so.

Dearly hope so.